Being raised in a dysfunctional environment means your tool bag of life skills falls massively short of what is necessary to have a good life (usually even below 'good enough.')
Mental Health issues are at an all time high in North America. People are suffering from depression, anxiety, PTSD, chronic health concerns, obesity - the list goes on.
When we are not raised with 'resilience' life just constantly feels 'hard' or 'difficult.' Relationships are hard. Working is hard. Finding a soul mate is hard. Raising kids is hard. Staying healthy & loving your body is hard. Being a good person hard. Just managing life, at all, is hard.
So of course looking at your background & how you were raised & the abusive or toxic environment you grew up in & starting to heal is even more difficult & scary.
When I started recovery work, the words, "you will be doing this work to heal for the rest of your life," or some form of this, was all over the literature I was reading.
That idea sucks. I hated that idea. I didn't want to be healing from my damage FOREVER.
I convinced myself there must be a way to get to 'healed' or at least 'average level of human' AND THEN be able to start conquering the path of becoming awesome!
Well - there is.
Now listen - PERFECT is not the goal. Shoving my trauma down a trap door never to be acknowledged again is not the goal. Even 'being happy' is not the goal. (Happiness is an emotion - you can't just BE happy all the time - that's dumb.)
The goal is to have healthy, adaptive, functional tools for whatever life throws at me & to not be this walking trauma trigger from unhealed wounds just terrorizing everything & everyone (including myself) in the vicinity.
THEN - on top of that, become this super awesome person who is HIGHLY functional & massively successful in whatever that means for me. But let do that after the healing part that actually addresses my developmental trauma background.
So I designed that. To be transparent - lots of people have actually designed a system for getting over your bullshit. People like Tony Robbins & Vishen Lakhiani & Bissel van Der Kolk & Tim Ferriss & Gabor Mate & Jack Kornfield & Mark Manson & Stephen R. Covey & Jen Sincero & Andy Frisella. Like - lots. Tons.
But from so many of these greats, when not everything worked for me, or made sense, or I didn't like applying their advice the way they suggested...I made my own system.
Which now I coach to other people who really like how I do it.
I created these 13 Pillars of Resiliency. They are essentially the core tools that get screwed up when we are raised in dysfunctional, toxic, abusive homes & families. Then I teach them in kind of aggressive ways that help people create & measure their actual progress. Just like counting reps in the gym or counting miles run or pounds lost or the number of answers you get right on a test - we can measure our spiritual successes and behavioral change progress.
The VERY FIRST pillar I teach people is Purpose. Not just 'finding it' (yes - I totally tricked you with the blog title.) The first Pillar is actually about Deciding on Your Purpose...for healing. If you actually know anything about how the brain works, you know that our past experiences put meaning to things & we create confirmation biases for survival & all of that jazz.
So our 'purpose' doesn't show up in a Harry Potter envelope, delivered by a snowy owl. We choose it. The most incredible thing about having a purpose is that it inspires hope; something that most trauma victims fall short on. A cloud of pessimism. hopelessness, uncertainty, lack of control, victimhood mentality & lack of agency (sound like anxiety, depression & addiction?) follow most people who have toxic upbringings. It is extremely difficult to wake up with a sense of purpose when your past looks awful & this causes you to believe your future will be too.
This is the reason I teach it as the first Pillar of Resiliency - we need it to give us hope, direction & a fierce reason to heal. Along with this we find integrity, our self worth, identity & a feeling of significance. These 'feelings' are actually included in Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs - a sense of 'belonging' & knowing our value in a community or tribe.
When things get hard, when your family gets mad that you're becoming a healthier, happier, more successful person, when you realize you need to leave your job because its toxic in the exact same way your family is, when you are cutting out addictive behaviors & substances, when being a more loving parents cracks your heart open & is scary as f*ck, when you leave your abusive partner, when you forgive & set boundaries & gain uncomfortable perspective - your Purpose for healing shows up like dragon's breath in your core. It's that glimmer of hope in the distance while your shrouded in darkness or that bottle rocket that turns into a volcano.
Deciding on WHY we want to move past our damage is key to walking that path all the way through & beyond.
Good news - I've finally started to write my eBooks on each & every one of my 13 Pillars!
Some people will read this blog & be like, "Oh! Yeah, Deciding on my Purpose to Heal makes total sense. I got this."
I cover EVERYTHING: what happens when you don't have purpose, how to dig deep & decide on why you're healing, what to avoid when building your purpose, tools & strategies for applying it, how to track it's impact on your life & more!
It's a PDF download for under $7.00 Canadian. It gets sent to you immediately. I'm also very new at this whole thing - so if there are any complications...contact me right away! Or just send me feedback & say "hey! Cool stuff!"
The next 12 Pillars will be uploaded before the end of this month (January 2024) so keep checking back. Going through all 13 Pillars will cover what I coach clients in a 4 month time period, costing $1,600 with 1 hour weekly sessions. If you are able to go through each eBook Pillar & apply the knowledge on your own- you have acquired the tools for under $100.
If you have become a subscriber before 9:30am PST on January 17, 2024 - a link to a free viewable version of this eBook is in your email inbox :)
Or if you're looking for one-on-one coaching in all of the 13 Pillars of Resiliency reach in & contact me. My resiliency clients are my favorite (but so are my pregnancy clients...and sometimes my nutrition clients....basically anyone who wants to heal - that's my jam.)
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If you would like to start building your Core Resiliency Skills contact Coach Julia today. You will learn how to Thrive beyond your damage, become a Transitional Character, break abuse cycles in your family cycle & build the core resiliency skills most often missed when being raised in a low nurture environment.
Julia is a Holistic Health Consultant, holding a Double Diploma in Community Support & Addictions Work, is a Certified Transformation Specialist, Personal Trainer & Nutrition Coach & a Lvl 2 Reiki Practitioner. She specializes in Trauma Informed Practice & Resiliency Coaching and Holistic Pregnancy & Postpartum Health Coaching. PrettyAggressiveRecovery@gmail.com