This week I hated my body. Yes this one that you see. The slim, athletic, rockin’ body you see in the photo. I haaaatteeed it. But not for the reason most people would assume. I wasn’t angry & frustrated & disappointed about how my body looked. It was about how my body felt. Since my 20s and the smoothing out of my hormones from high school, my monthly cycle had been a breeze. I couldn’t even tell the week before it was about to show up. I some how won the lottery in the gamble of Aunt Flow. No bloating, no breakouts, no crazy tears or high emotions. Cramps and back pain were minimal, if not nonexistent. But in November 2018 I have my first ovarian cyst rupture and shit changed - hard. Ovulation hurts. A lot. Couch ridden, heat pack, searing pain hurts. And my premenstration week is almost worse. As I spend days feeling irritable, bloated, and like tired sludge is running through my veins. Which shows up in my workout routine. My run time is slower. My mental attitude and toughness suffers as I battle the excuses of not wanting to get up in the morning. My body takes on extra water weight as I look soft. I can’t do as many reps or lift as much weight. I argue with myself. That my fucking ‘period’ shouldn’t be a ‘set back.’ I should be able to go just as hard. That I should be able to control my mind and manage my thoughts.
I look at my body and I'm angry with it. I'm angry that my body can't DO the things that I have been building it to do. While knowing that I LOOK great.
And then I remember Fluid Acceptance. It wont always be this way. My life, my day, my week, my body wont always be this way. I can have off days. This is where I'm at 'right now' but it wont always be this way. Tomorrow will be different. Then I stack on my other tools; my other Pillars of Recovery. I trust in the majority, I control my internal dialogue, and I let go of blame. This is the strength of Mental & Emotional Recovery. There is hope for everyone.